Where have I been for the past ten days? I’m trying to break out of this state of limbo I seem to be trapped in, a dark space with an entry but no exit. What is this? It’s not depression, it’s definitely not a mood swing, so where am I?
It’s strange – how I know that this year is critical, a fork in the path where I must choose the right way leading out of the dark forest, and yet I can’t move. This is the beginning of the end, the first moments of the home stretch, and I’m stumbling at the sound of the gunshot. No! I’ve come too far to just stumble halfway on the road…So I resort to this space on the internet again; I turn to the written (or typed, whatever) word. Let’s hope that these pixels on the screen will give me a visual representation of the impasse I’ve reached, a user interface, if you will, in the game of life.
Let’s talk about feeling unproductive – the idea of not producing anything useful. This is so uncharacteristic of me that it’s nearly certain that there’s something at the back of my mind occupying this particular chunk of processing power. A metal rod lodged in the carburetor. I’ve been thinking about a few things:
- Piano and the violin. I get upset just thinking about this, because it epitomizes how the last three years of my life has practically been a waste, assuming you see it through the correct set of lenses. Which is more important, school exams, or math? I’ve been agonizing over this question for the last week, but in retrospect, I probably haven’t – I’ve already known the answer for a long long time, and what is worrying me is the idea of delaying it once again.
And that’s it, actually, I can’t think of anything else. And since the deadline is tomorrow, this will be over come midnight. Thus logically, my life will be back in shape in 24 hours. So let’s think about the rest of the year:
(And this is where I transitioned into a .doc file. Plans are private!)