I find that after a few years of sitting behind you, one starts to think. Someone once told me, when I was just a kid, that once you catch a glimmer of that metaphorical light that shines on your path, just hold on to it. I didn’t try to trick myself – I didn’t know what in the world he was saying.
I think that a part of growing up is the process of making sense of the things that didn’t seem right to us when we were young. Time flies, and it’s no longer just a hackneyed, teenager existential crisis statement anymore. I’m fifteen now, but all those evenings spent bicycling down steep roads seem like yesterday. People grow out of things; you grow out of your favorite Pikachu shirt, out of the things that seemed so important when we were young.
This auntie was telling my mom, that she doesn’t get why I’m working so hard.
Truth is, sometimes it’s me who has to do the reality check. Because once in a while, everything that’s supposed to be on road A suddenly crisscrosses over to road B, and then everything seems spiraling out of control. Our priorities get messed up, doubts begin to surface, and point A seems so insuperably far away from point B. You don’t know it, but the people around you will: passing, fleeting comments dropped here and there saying “Hey, remember to get some rest,” or “Hey, you’ve gotta relax sometimes.” But I can’t, you see. I know where my feet are taking me.
Sometimes I wonder if I like who I am, if I like the way my life is going right now. I like that I’m very much my own person, that I’m gradually learning that Newton’s Third Law of Motion holds in the journey of life too. I’m tired of trying to please everyone at every possible second, and I’m tired of this nagging, constant fear of saying “No, I’m quite busy right now,” or “Can you find someone else?” And I think that I’m proud of myself, and suddenly you realize that there are people willing to respect your decisions; because once you stop trying to spin your life around this axis of human influence that’s being pulled in a million different directions, you start to gain perspective. You start making decisions that you actually want to make, and then after every one, you hold your breath and wait. And wait – but hey, there’s no one screaming at me, there’s just a constant silence.
I think that I know where I’m heading, and I’m planning to enjoy the scenery every step of the way.
